Part 1 | Part 2
[recipe + photos of tofurkey prep] | [recipe + photos of tofurkey assembly]
While my last post may not have inspired much confidence in my readers, wedged as it is between these two foodie recipe guides, let me assure you the dysentery was most likely caused by my over-eagerness to nom on cold, straight outta the fridge, stunningly delicious leftovers which had been been left out on the Friendsgiving buffet table for some 5 or more hours at ideal bacterial growth temperatures the previous day, tofurkey which did not sicken any of the 30 or so people who ate it in its fresh state! Or perhaps from the yam french fries I get on the street outside my office (oh god, please, no, please don’t let it be my beloved yam french fries my god nooooo).
So without further thought to the ills and chills of the previous weekend,* let me present the process for assembling my World-Renowned No Thanks Punxgiving Vegan Tofurkey!
When we last left the story, we had already prepped and pressed the tofurkey’s insides overnight…
5 blocks extra firm tofu
2 tsp. vegan poultry seasoning (I actually have no idea what this is and omit every time)
1/4-1/2 c. chopped fresh herbs (like: savory, rosemary, sage, basil, etc.)
1 1/2 T veggie stock powder
salt n pepa
1. Blend tofu with hands until lumps are gone.
2. Stir in tofurkey ingredients.
3. Line a round colander with a cheesecloth (a clean kitchen towel or bandana works in a pinch). Put the tofu mixture into the colander, press it down, and fold the cloth over the top. Place the colander on a plate to catch excess water and put a heavy weight on top to press the tofu. Store in the fridge at least 2-3 hours, overnight = better.
HOW TO ASSEMBLE THE TOFURKEY
6 c diced bread
2 T margarine
1 med. onion, diced
3 stalks celery, sliced
2 large carrots, sliced
1tsp+ each : rosemary, thyme, sage
1/4 c fresh parsely, chopped
3 T raisins
1/4 c. each walnuts and pecans
salt & pepper
1 1/2 c. veggie stock
One small apple, chopped
1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Bake diced bread for 15 minutes to toast.
3. Sauté onions, carrots, and celery until onions are translucent.
4. Mix all ingredients with the bread. Drizzle the broth over the mixture. Mix again!
5. Bake uncovered 20-30 minutes.
THEN, STUFF THAT BIRD
4. After pressing, scoop some tofu out of the center, leaving about an inch around the edges.
Fill with STUFFING.
Then press the extra tofu back over the stuffing. Press down firmly.
FLIP THAT SHIT
Make some kind of turkey or other animal shape (wings, a face, cat ears) with the excess tofu.
6. Brush with the MARINADE.
1/4 c. balsamic
1/4-1/2 c. red wine
1/4 c. chopped fresh herbs (see above)
1/4 c. veggie broth
1 tsp. mustard (Dijon or seed)
1. Mix together ingredients. Adjust to taste.
7. Bake at 350degrees for 1.5 hours, brushing with the MARINADE every 15-20 minutes.
8. Eat drenched in GRAVY.
1 T. margarine
1/4 c. onion, finely chopped
1/3 c. whole-wheat flour
2 c. water
1 veggie bouillon cube
1 T Bragg’s or soy sauce
Plus: nutritional yeast, salt, onion powder, garlic powder, sage
2 T fresh parsley, minced
1. In a medium sauce pan, heat the margarine.
2. Sauté the onion for 2 minutes.
3. Add flour and stir until oil is absorbed and allow to brown for an additional minute.
4. Add remaining ingrediants and whisk until thick.
5. Add parsely and cook 2 more minutes. Thin with more water as needed.
HAPPY THANKSGIVIKKUH YA SCHMUCKS
*Ok, because I can’t resist even though I’m talking about myself, and even though it’s really cliché expat writing to dwell on illness when you’d never blog about your tummy flus back home, I do want to give one further thought: guys. you get dysentary by eating shit. think about it. (now try to stop thinking about it. ha!)